“I’m terrified of losing this part of myself,” I said quietly, as I sobbed into my husband’s arms.
It was the Sunday before I was due to return back to work after taking all of December off.
And even though I was trying to put on a brave face, , the truth of the matter was…
…I was mourning.
I wasn’t mourning the fact that I wouldn’t have to work…
(okay, maybe I was, just a little lol)
…what I was mourning was the version of myself that I uncovered during the nearly five weeks that I had off.
I was more relaxed, less anxious, more loving, time abundant, happier…the list goes on.
Why? Because with such a long period of time off work, I was able to find out who I am when I’m not worried about performing underneath capitalism (aka making money).
It wasn’t that this was a new person that I uncovered.
I uncovered myself in my true essence, without the weight of decades of socialization and pressure weighing down on me.
This break was the first time I’ve had access to this version of myself, and when it ended, I was terrified of losing her.
Then, I remembered a truth that I often share with my 1:1 and group coaching clients when we finish our work together, and they’re scared that without me, they’ll backslide:
“You can never go back to who you were before. What you’ve learned, and this journey you’ve been on, will always be with you. Even when you feel like you’re backsliding, and things are tough – you will always have access to the awareness, tools, and learnings from this work.”
Over the months that we work together, my clients often uncover and rediscover parts of themselves that have been weighed down, hidden, and obscured by a white supremacist, patriarchal, and capitalist world.
Just like me, they suddenly have more access to joy and rest, they’re more relaxed, less anxious, more loving, time abundant, happier, more self assured, the list goes on.
They don’t want to lose that once the safe container that helped them access it is gone.
Here’s the truth, :
Yes, working and capitalism suck.
Yes, participating in a capitalist world will always come with a level of trauma and harm.
But that version that we see of ourselves on vacations and breaks…
…with the right mindset, somatic, and spiritual tools, holding onto them in the in-between is a conscious choice.
Ready to make that conscious choice? The question you need to honestly ask yourself right now is:
Do I have the right tools and I’m just not using them? (No shade, we ALL do this – including me!)
Do I have yet to uncover the right tools that help me feel like….well, me?
If you have the right tools, well, the answer is to implement them.
(Which is easier said than done, because a capitalist, white supremacist world makes us feel like tending to our needs is impossible and unimportant)
If you’re still looking for the right tools – sib, this is your sign to start experimenting, or follow your intuition to the person or resource that has them. (If it’s me, you can find out more about how we work together here.)
It’s a new year, but you’re the same, glorious you.
Make 2022 the year that you commit to accessing all of the glory of who you are.