this is why you don’t get the support you want
I was so frustrated last weekend.
I was with one of the people who knows me best in this world, and to be honest, it didn’t feel like he really sees me.
He made jokes about me being “tough as nails,” and continually used an old nickname for me: “the hammer.”
If I’m being honest, it really hurt because, to be honest, I’m not “tough” at all.
Yes, I’m resilient.
Yes, I’m a survivor.
But if I don’t have to be strong… I’m really soft. I’m deeply vulnerable.
I’m sensitive as fuck.
But for some reason, it feels like no one sees that, no matter how hard I try.
Folks often ignore my needs or see my needs as me being “difficult.”
They very rarely ask if I need support, and just assume that I’ve “got it.”
Even worse – most folks expect me to take care of them.
Let’s talk about why….
….because this is layered deep with white supremacy.
Let’s start with how other folks perceive me (and likely you, as a woman or femme of color):
As a black person, white supremacy has presented a narrative that presents me as having less needs, experiencing less pain, and essentially being stronger, tougher, and more “dangerous” than other folks.
This narrative was created during chattel slavery to help justify the torture & slaughter inflicted upon enslaved Africans on the daily.
I’m explaining this for Black people, but this narrative appears for all folks of color in different ways- white supremacy creates stories to lessen our humanity, because if there’s “good” reasons, or we’re deemed “less than” – there’s no reason to feel bad about oppressing us.
Overtime, even folks of color have internalized these narratives, and that’s why even our loved ones assume that we are self sufficient & have no needs,
Now, lets talk about how my generational trauma plays into me not getting the support I want:
As a person of color, I am used to not having my needs met in systemic ways.
POC communities have been starved of things we need like:⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Equality, safety, justice, dignity, housing, money, and the list goes on and on.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
As a result, I (and most folks of color) have developed a trauma response of being extremely “independent.”
I take care of everything for myself and others.
I rarely ask for help.
And, this is the real kicker- sometimes I even “protect” other people from my sadness, my neediness, and the ways I’m soft & vulnerable, because I don’t want to worry them or inconvenience them…
Long story short, thanks to generations of racial and gender-based trauma, I prioritize other people’s needs over my own.
This combination (given to us by generations of white supremacy & oppression) is why we don’t get the support we want.
Because people don’t see folks like you as having needs
You are so used to not having you needs met, that you hide them/ don’t ask for help
So, what do we do about it?
Honestly, this is complex and there are SO many ways, but there’s one small way to start:
Start being open & honest about your needs to the right people.
If you want to be seen as someone who needs support, you have to start being transparent about having needs that aren’t met.
The only way this works is if you’re asking for support from the right people.
The right people are folks who have historically showed up for you, or who you genuinely do believe will show up for you.
When you start asking for help, you are going to have some folks fail you.
That doesn’t mean you won’t be supported ever- it just means you’ve asked for support from the wrong person.
Does the thought of allowing your vulnerability be seen make you nervous?
Does getting the support you want from others still feel impossible?
Then we should talk about working together.
If you’ve read this far, I know you’re tired of trying to thrive by doing it all on your own.
You want and need support in your day to day life.
(That doesn’t make you weak, or less than – it makes you a person who is tired of playing into the white supremacist myth of “doing it all your own”.)
You know that feeling like you have to do it on your own is in the way of your thriving…
…and you’re ready to change that.
Finally ready to be supported, have everything feel easier, and start experiencing more ease in your life?
Then, practice asking for support right now:
Apply to work with me here
When you fill out an application to work together, you get the support you’ve been looking for….whether we decide to work together or not.
When you apply to work with me, the first response you get from me is a video telling you exactly what I believe you specifically need to do to start thriving right now.
You know me – this isn’t just filler, templated sales shit.
It’s a completely individualized video that I’ll create just for you, where I map out the specific blueprint and focus areas you need to begin thriving right now.
Throughout our process, I’ll also support you in figuring out what kind of support you need, and if it’s not what I provide, I’ll point you in the right direction for you.
Last but not least, we’ll talk about whether you’re a good fit for my 1:1 work or my group program for women & femmes of color who are ready to live revolutionary lives.
Ready to feel supported?
Apply here to work together.
We Can’t Thrive Alone!
The best part about building a Revolutionary life is knowing that your fam’s got your back. Join the Revolutionary Changemakers of Color Facebook group for women and femmes of color who want to create change, and do it THEIR way.